So I've decided to tell my Dutchman's girlfriend that he cheated on her with me (I didn't know he had a girlfriend, obviously).

So now I'm agonizing about it. What do I say? How do I broach this? It’s all well and good to have principles, but how exactly do you tell a girl that her boyfriend is cheating on her? “Hey, you! Yeah, you! I fucked your boyfriend!” Then I get my face punched.

Or maybe I go find the tent they are sleeping in, unzip the front entrance and invite myself in for a sombre and serious chat... One of those “You know why I’m here.” chats. “You know why I’m here," I say, thumbs in my gun-belt, "and I’ll give you one last chance to tell her yourself.”

But how do I know which tent is theirs? The one without loud grunts emanating from it? What if I’m wrong? Do I just knock on tents like some door to door homewrecker?
And how exactly do I soften the blow? What if she doesn’t even hear me out when I try to tell her? What if she attacks me? Maybe I should write it down.. Hand her a letter, telling her everything, with a post-script invitation to come stay with me. Maybe I can accompany my letter with a cake. I have all the ingredients. And everybody likes cake. But then, would that really soften the blow? Or would it just seem obnoxious? An “I screwed your boyfriend, let's be friends" cake."

Actually, I quite like the idea of having her around now. Of having a girl to talk to and to hang out with. We can do normal things to forget our shared woes - we can go kayaking, cycling, swimming, watch movies, eat unhealthy foods, drink white wine.. And we’ll take each others minds off the whole thing. And the Dutchman can sleep in the tent and dwell alone on everything.